A Little More Sugar Baby

Before I had kids, I truly thought I would be a Mary Poppins style mom - feeding my kids spoonfuls of sugar and taking them on wild field trips where barbershop quartets serenade us while dancing with the singing penguins.

However, many days I roll into bed at night feeling like I'm Cruella DaVille and 101 puppies have run circles around me all day long. Somewhere along the line reality set in and I found out that Mary Poppins had a few things I don't have - makeup artists, food service people, and probably a trailer on the set where she could go and rest when she got tired. And at the end of the day - she walked away from it all to rest and recuperate for the next shoot.

So now I have a new reality. One that some days I love and some days I don't. One thing I like about being a modern mom is it seems that over the past several decades moms have realized it's okay to say "this is hard, some days this really stinks!". It's okay to express your feelings about motherhood without people thinking your a bad mom because you don't love every minute of the grind. Don't get me wrong - I can honestly say there is nothing in the world I would rather be doing than staying at home with my kids. There is no career I pine away for or exotic location I feel I've been robbed of seeing. I thank God every night for these 3 precious souls that have been sent my way. But somewhere in the craziness of it all I'm trying to find balance. Balance between time with the kids/time cleaning the house, balance between being too strict or not strict enough, balance between the "mom" me and the "me" me - that person before kids who actually had a brain and could form two intellectual sentances in the same breath. I'm trying to find the balanced person between Mary Poppins and Cruella DaVille whom I long to be and strive to create for myself.

Part of motherhood is giving up who you were and what your expectations were and deal with reality. And then...make sure you find that old self, the person you were before you had kids, and weave that in to the new you, the new reality.

Somewhere in the past 5 years of giving birth three times, battling breastfeeding, and learning with a new definition of sleep I've lost a little part of my old self. Most days I struggle with my brain to find words that used to come so freely. I think some people refer to it as "mommy brain". However, it's not necessarily a bad thing to lose that old person. Sure she had less wrinkles and a quicker wit, but the new me can handle emergency blow outs in a flash (and I' m not talking about tires here), and can McGyver popsicles sticks and kite string into a quality toy.

Each child brings new challenges and it always throws me for a loop, then it takes me awhile to catch my breath and figure out what I"m doing. Just when I think I have things figured out - something changes and I have to start all over again. Sometimes I get into a rut though. Things throw me for a loop and I'm not ready. It seems when that happens I kick into survival mode. Just doing the basics making sure we are all surviving - food, shelter, clothes but not a lot of fluff and fun. Mary Poppins is out the window with her carpet bag and all. I've just realized that since having the third baby I've been in that survivial mode most of the time. Just trying to manange everything and stay afloat. Having a newborn is definitely survival mode and with each child that period seems to extend longer and longer. Now that he's nearing two things are seeming to get easier (ie - I mostly get a good nights sleep which really seems to make a difference in life) and I think it's time to add a little bit more sugar to the mix. More fun around our house. More happiness, less stress.

I can completely see how my kids reactions and behavior reflect my own moods and feelings. Not to say everything they do or don't do is a result of their mother. All people, including our children have a little something called "free agency" (much to their mother's dismay) and can choose for themselves how they feel and act. If one of my kids wakes up in a grumpy mood because he/she did not get enough sleep, even the best mom in the world wouldn't be able to change that. However, even when I have grumpy kids, if I can stay cool, calm and collected I find that things go much smoother in my household and it's easier to snap them out of it. The problem is...I don't always stay cool, calm and collected. I'm striving though. It's my new goal. I want it to be my new reality. A world in which I never lose my cool, never raise my voice unless there is iminent danger, and never feel like selling my kids on Craigslist. I want to bring in a little more of Mary Poppins and shed Cruella like a bad hair day. Wish me luck.