Refining Moments

Sometimes I yell. Then I feel really bad about it. I try to remind myself that my kids are just kids and the do kid stuff. But sometimes...grrrrr, I just lose my patience, yell, and then feel extreeeemly guilty. I hate yelling. I never wanted to be a yelling mom.

Emma has a doll named Kirsten. Kirsten has to go everywhere with us. Sometimes it's very endearing, and sometimes not. Like this morning. Emma had to run back into the house to get Kirsten's sweater as we were on the way out the door to school ( It's only 80 degrees here today). Of course half way to school I asked her if she had her lunch box and folder and her reply was "oops, I left them in the house when I went to get the sweater. Grrrr. I was not happy. I yelled.

I had things to do, places to go, people to see. My favorite hardware store had given me a 15% off coupon good today only. I've been saving up my yard needs until today. I had a play date at 11:00 and had my whole morning planned to the minute...drop off Emma, run to hardware store, meet friend for play date. We already had a late start since Jacob pushed Ben in the mud on the way out the door and I had to change him, and then Emma had to run back in for the sweater and I was already to a boiling point. I let Emma know that Kirsten would not be riding to school with us anymore. She was not happy. I was not happy. It was not happy in our car. We got to carpool friend's house and I was able to beg some sustenance in the way of fruit snacks and animal cracker's from carpool friend's mom so Emma wouldn't starve at school.

After I dropped Emma & carpool friend off I headed towards the hardware store. Then the thoughts started creeping into my brain. Although I'm a pretty mellow person by nature, my mind is all about the drama - oh yeah, so dramatic! All the terrible things that could happen to my offspring while we are apart for 3 hours start creeping into my mind. Earthquakes, car accidents, and who knows what else and I'm almost in tears. "What if that is the last time I were to see her? Would I want her to remember me as the "yelling mom"? I feel so guilty. So so guilty. Then I think of how selfish I was. The only reason I was so mad is because it interfered with MY schedule. I'm prone to forget many things...including that life doesn't revolve around MY schedule anymore. Somehow I thought when I had children that the selfish and pride aspects in my personality would just magically vanish. The birds would sing, the bees would hum, and I would be smiling and wearing a crown of daises (lovingly made by my children of course) as I brought them lemonade and cookies. Instead, I think I am gradually refined moment by moment as I learn that sombody else's needs might be more important than my own - like my daughter's self esteem over my need to get to the hardware store.

As I walked into the hardware store I realized in all the morning rush I forgot that dang 15% off coupon at home! In my other purse! (one more good reason why I should only have 1 purse). As I asked the clerk if I had to have the coupon to get the discount and she looked at me as if I was a moron and replied "yes", I was glad she didn't yell at me for forgetting my coupon at home and was humbled by what comes around goes around!

Needless to say, I was able to push my play date back by half an hour, went and picked up my coupon AND dropped off Emma's lunchbox and folder to her on my way back to the store. When I walked in her classroom and she had a huge grin and chirped "mommy!" I was so thankful for children who forgive easily, friends who move play dates around with great understanding, and a hope that each day I can handle situations with my kids better so their fondest memories aren't ones of me yelling at them or losing my patience easily. Dang, sometimes this is hard!